Words from a Stranger

Why am I okay?

I shouldn't be okay.

I should be in culture shock. I should be missing home. I should be sad - not all of the time, but at least sometimes. This isn't normal.

When I was a kid, my parents sent me to camp for a week. I absolutely despised it. I missed home, and all I wanted to do was leave. Even if we were doing something that could have been fun, I was depressed and just couldn't get past it. So I faked heatstroke so I could go home early. I always did enjoy acting.

Every time I travel, there's always a moment when I seem to break down and miss my room, or my kitty, or my friends so much that I would give almost anything to go home. Sometimes I get past it rather quickly, like in Scotland or Washington. Sometimes I don't, like at that camp or in Texas. It's easier to bear when I'm surrounded by friends, but it's always, always there. Until now.

This time, that moment hasn't come. I keep expecting it to creep up on me, but even if I try to miss home enough to make myself cry or at least get a lump in my throat I can't do it. This is the longest period of time I've ever been away from the familiar, and I don't even think about home most of the time. When I do miss things - my friends, my cat, being able to drive legally - I miss them in a different way than I ever have before. I miss them in a way that makes me smile. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside instead of a hole in my stomach or a lump in my throat.

Truth be told, I have felt myself start to come down from the "high" that I was riding when I first got here. I feel like I've adapted so quickly that the novelty of things is starting to wear off, so I've begun to actually develop likes and dislikes again. For the first month or so (I've been here for over TWO months now, can you believe that?) everything was so new that I just completely went with the flow and was happy about everything. Now that I've gotten used to my surroundings, it's actually possible for me to become dully annoyed with certain things every once and a while (especially when I haven't had my coffee). But the difference between now and the way I used to get irritated is that now I don't bother dwelling on it. I haven't ranted about anything in ages (sorry Michaela...) because I've noticed that that only blows my irritation out of proportion. So I usually just take a minute to put it in perspective or figure out how to ignore it, then move on.

In contrast to those little things that irritate me, the little things that make me happy make me way too happy. Maybe it's because I'm sleeping better; I cut even more time out of my school schedule this week with the help of my chill counselors who don't make me have class all the time. On Mondays I don't go to school until 1, on Tuesdays it's 10, and on Fridays I still have no school whatsoever. This means that I have more time to do things my way: get enough sleep, study Chinese at home instead of blankly staring at a whiteboard in school, and go out and have fun when my friends are free too. Yay freedom!! :D

Anyway, despite the fact that I felt myself come down a little bit, that feeling of excitement I initially had is never far out of reach. All I have to do is keep busy, which I do naturally. I find it hard not to be busy, actually, because I have so many different groups of friends I am always wanting to hang out with. It's hard to make time for everyone!

Speaking of my friends, here are some of the funniest language mishaps that have happened between us so far... on both sides!

Me (in Chinese): Hey, Fanny, could you watch my foreskin? (I was trying to say "purse" but I switched the syllables around and said foreskin instead).

Taiwanese Abby: I'm fool. (She meant to say "full." This was doubly funny because her friends endearingly call her "shabi" which roughly translates to "idiot").

Winnie: Do you want some skin tofu? (Meant to say stinky tofu).

A children's book I found in a book store: "The little girl happily slept with her parents."

And, of course, I can't forget the best question I've ever been asked by a school official: "Can you explain to me what shit means?"

Okay, I know there are more, but I'm tired and can't think of them right now so I'll post them later when I do.

By now I think I've struck a nice balance between work and play. I can switch back and forth from the diligent student to the absolute wild card and hit everything in between on the way, so that even though I love to have fun and get crazy I still make sure that I stay on top of my goals. I've always liked balance, and it feels good to know how to bring it into my exchange.

Finally, I just have to mention that this week was excellent. I feel on top of the world right now. When I came here I expected to grow, and to change, but nevertheless growth keeps surprising me. Some things I change consciously, when I realize I could be doing something better or working harder to meet certain goals. Others just seem to happen automatically, on their own, like a natural by-product of being on exchange. When I finally notice what has happened, it's like Christmas comes early. I am so unashamedly self-aware and comfortable with myself that it just keeps making me smile. When I return to America, I may very well seem like a different person - but it's not like I expected the girl who went to Taiwan to ever come back anyway. I feel like she's already gone.